bitter is the new black

ok, i stole that title from a book i read (that actually wasn't good). when i got in tonight, i started thinking about what to post since i was not yet sleepy and wanted to stay up anyway. chopin had been totally sweet: coming in with me when i got home, getting excited about sleeping in my bedroom, cooing at me because she missed me, etc. i thought the blog was going to be all about how great chopin, or all dogs, is/are because they are so into spending every second with you. chopin even gets in the car with me when i move it so dad will have an easier time getting in and then waits in the car while we load him, just to be a part of the action and hang with everyone. then i urney (the journey of urination) and she sits outside the door, upset that we are apart for 1 minute. the only bad part of this is when i don't take her somewhere i go she gets irrationally upset and whines as i leave, which has never happened in the past. but then, in the olden days we were not joined like super glue. so yeah, i was going to write that post. instead, chopin got happy while i was changing into pjs and popped up off the floor into a sitting position, looking at me and smiling. so, like any rational adult, i lean down and smother her face and back with kisses - at which point i hear her growl. i pull away and there is nasty face looking like she is about to bite. i get into bed with her still growling, and tell her NO! when she has finally calmed down enough to still be mad but not have the nasty face more than 80% of the time, i tell her it is a privilege to sleep in my room and not her birthright. she then moves to lay down in another part of the bedroom and retires her nasty face for the night. i growl at her to let her know i am not happy about the shenanigans that just occurred, esp. since i was filled with love for her earlier. we just finished a face off; however, i forget who won. i vote me.

resuscitation to the rescue

today, i learned how to save lives. if some one's heart stops beating, watch out world: i am cpr certified. the hardest part was creating a seal with your mouth on the dummy. we had little things similar to dental damns to use due to germs and if you did the breathing right, your dummy's chest inflated. because it was so tricky, i started to get excited when anyone in my group inflated the chest properly. like a infectious disease, excitement slowly spread to my two group members and then anyone else who could hear me. i began to use the phrase "life-giving breath" like "niiiiiiiiiice, that was totally a life-giving breath!" people laughed but i bet they totally start using it. then, when we got the baby dolls to practice on the focus was off the breath and onto "saving a baby's life" or "giving this baby a future." it turns out i am all about the sarcastic use of serious statements for nursing school. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-23-24-25-26-27-28-29-30.

old dog, new tricks

my sweet dog is getting old. biting aside, there is a lot to love about older chopin. instead of getting up and nestling against you all the time, she now remains on the floor and just howls until you come love her. it is amazing how many times a day she does this. in her 80s it turns out my doggie just wants love. i, too, am totally shocked, but, at the same time, not because it is my dog and all i do is kiss her and snuggle. she also has begun to love car trips. they are her new favorite (except for treats) and she freaks out when i tell her we are going. i guess because it is like a walk but she doesn't really have to move. genius. everything remotely edible in the car has already been destroyed, a small price to pay for chopin in the passengers seat. even wrappers she has already torn to shreds, she continues to lick and tear since i do not clean the car. i guess sometimes it gets boring though and she gets hungry and curious. due to the sheer volume she sleeps, i always imagine she just takes a quick nap when i'm out in the store (when not destroying). today, sleepiness be damned, she was inquisitive. which is why when i reached to change my cd, i discovered my brand new car stereo was covered in dog slobber. upon closer inspection i also saw licks that had already dried, so who knows how long this has been going on. interestingly enough, the majority of the licks were around the cd changer and a few actually were on the cusp....which i think means CHOPIN PUT HER TONGUE INTO MY CD PLAYER. maybe it even sucked it in automatically when she did it! it never occurred to me to ever attempt such a thing, which is why i'm so impressed my ancient dog not only tried it but continued to experiment while i was not in the car. i'm really proud we are related.

a little bit of heaven

roxie and i have had a long strange journey together. sometimes we love each other, sometimes we don't. her noises make no sense to me, and i'm pretty sure she has no idea what my noises mean either. despite all this turmoil (does she love me or hate me?) i continue to pick her up everyday to snuggle. dad, for the time being, has gotten over roxie but i still think she should be played with a lot. since i'm moving soon, i've upped my holdings of roxie to approximately 3 a day. i like to think of it as building up a surplus for the coming drought. since i'm not a big fan of touching, i never really understand the certain nuances that can occur or how things can change. really, i just don't understand touching. i think its like if i only thought the color blue came in one shade. touching is just one shade for me. but this afternoon i was transformed into a giant puddle of love by roxie. her legs are really little so i guess i always just assumed her whole body was against me but today i actually felt her chill out and really nestle in. it was SO GREAT. this little furry creature just melted into me, she completely relaxed and all of a sudden it was a much deeper, sweeter snuggle with her huge belly pressed against me. now i am entirely addicted. it was all i could talk about during dinner and i have decided that i want a minimum of 12 guinea pigs all over my body relaxing at the same time. this will clearly never happen and it kind of freaks me out but it could also turn out to be that much better. i have internally settled this dilemma by compromise: if the opportunity of 12 guinea pigs is offered to me i will take it, but, if not, i will not actively seek it out. i'm turning into such a rational grown up. yay roxie.

we find mobility exciting

today we got a new wheelchair that is super cool. it has features we had not even imagined - like arms that come off so it can fit under a table or padded backs for his legs when they are resting. amazing! my excitement level was off the charts, but eventually it wore off on the rest of the family. dad wheeled himself outside and he made it all over the house all by himself. we then called everyone we know to share the news. watch out world, independent george is on his way.

it is kind of like narnia

this is the way to my favorite place. not only are trains lucky, generally, but these railroad tracks, in particular, also seem magical each time i walk down them. i am scared to give any more information away due to overpopulation concerns.

acceptance is key

today was a day of destruction for the possessions of one n.e.b. i will begin at the beginning. chopin and i go to the pharmacy but i forget i have cough drops in the car. i come back and they are all eaten. during lunch i get up to help dad and come back to chopin licking my plates clean while half way up on the couch. after lunch, i clean roxie's cage, placing her inside the wire with her little hutch and food dish. foolishly watching roxie so she does not become a small snack, i neglect to move to the food dish when i am done cleaning and am placing her back into the cage. chopin eats every morsel of guinea pig food. we appear to spend the rest of the day together in relative peace. much sleeping is had by my adorable dog. at approximately 7:10pm i enter my bedroom. my plastic tower of drawers, otherwise known as my extremely tall nightstand, is on the floor. the lamp shade has come off the lamp due to the impact of falling 4 and 1/2 feet. two candles have been shattered. everything is out of the drawers, covered in glass. a box of vitamins has been eaten. my make-up has been chewed on. (i know: make-up, but i'm serious). any clothes on the floor, which is really all my clothes, have to be shaken and washed to avoid glass shards. the vacuum clogs due to the heavy use for torn paper, broken glass, and dog hair. it was quite a destructive dog day indeed. oddly enough, as annoyed as i was with her i recognized it was all my fault. she is a dog. i should have emptied the car, not had food anywhere within her reach, and closed my bedroom door. the verdict is still out on whether this hairy monster is worth it but i'm going to chalk today up to my poor choices. my middle name now becomes vigilance. the end.

tongue cleaner

everywhere i go i leave a toothbrush. really, it is any toiletries. for some reason i always forget to check the bathroom the morning before i leave, things always get hectic with packing and goodbyes and the next thing i know, someone is calling me to ask whether i want my toothbrush and other forgotten items sent home. my mom has noticed this trend and called me out on it. i'm not sure i even noticed it until she pointed it out. regardless, because she is the world's most thoughtful and considerate human being, the other day she bought numerous toothbrushes and left them in the upstairs bathroom. since i was excited they were new and looked very modern, i took one on my current trip and have been utilizing its capabilities. one of which is a tongue cleaner on the back of the toothbrush head. so now the insides of my cheeks are exfoliated while i brush my teeth (two for the price of one) in addition to me having a handy little tool to scrape my tongue each night. totally hot. but what they don't tell you is that it tickles. my toothbrush tremendously tickled my tantalizing tongue this thursday. now try saying that 10 times fast.

these days are the worstest

i wasn't going to write because we are all so sad and our hearts are breaking and broken. but then i got mad because no one can take away good thoughts and feelings and, if there is one thing i think life is about, it is healing. so we're healing and growing and mourning together. there is beauty in that, not an easy beauty but a hard beauty - one that leaves us breathless and gasping because we have already been destroyed and need anything to hang on to, especially each other. so i'm trying to share it up and talk about my day.

sunday i went on an adventure to circuit city to purchase a new stereo. i was apprehensive about this endeavor for two reasons: 1. i just bought a new stereo two years ago and it's broken which seems wasteful 2. i didn't want to purchase another cheap thing only to have it break because i am not made of money. i picked out something i felt was reasonably priced but almost fainted when i got to the counter, heard the actual price with everything included, and then accused the cashier of "hidden charges." he alleged this was not true. sometimes a girl has to be a little feisty. hidden charges or not, my new pretty stereo was installed and i have been rocking out for the past few days since i have not only a cd player but can also hook up my ipod. wowza. yay for music in the car again!

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

~Mohandas K. Gandhi

it's all in the family

think george and nancy were the only ones to tackle guitar hero with a seriousness rivaled only by professional musicians?

think again, my friends.

(don't let my cousin's smile fool you)

we play nicely with (some) blood relatives

our cousin and her family came early the other night so chopin josephine had not yet been taken to the kennel where we decided she was better off with numerous little people about our house for the next few days. after three hours of pleading, i decided that i could get the dog from down the hill and, if i carefully held her, the kids could at least pet her because she really is so cute and soft. wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, chopin came inside, sniffed the children while they stood quietly, then laid down sweetly and let everyone calmly pet her. i was shocked. after about 5 minutes she let out a quiet growl, without a nasty face, and was then escorted back outside after being lovely in every way.

since chopin was not at the house today, our attention turned to roxie. after being bribed with numerous carrots, apples, and alfalfa, roxie came out of her cage and played with everyone the majority of the day. and i can't imagine it is easy being petted by 6 hands all day long. my cousin's youngest baby is 2 and she and roxie had a lot of fun contemplating each other while the rest of us watched happy feet. roxie also very sweetly nibbled off travis's hang nail, which he decided really had been bothering him. what loving pets are in the bell house these days!

uno, dos, tres

first day







second day











third day







flowers for you

backlog

i have been sickity and doing a lot of this:


so i've not been posting but i have tons of lovely posts so i'm just going to post a ridiculous amount today. hooray.

you don't know what you've got til it's gone

the appearance of my stomach is something i tried to get over at age 10. i missed having a smooth, normal stomach but i loved my scars too. and since then, i've tried not to think about it much. i take pictures before each surgery just for documentation purposes; however, the post-10-year-old holes have only added to my stomach's landscape. unfortunately, it turns out that i was really attached to my belly button. it always hurts to poke inside it and sometimes i get really obsessive about cleaning it thoroughly but, on the whole, i guess i really love-love-loved it. today i came to terms with the fact that, for better or worse, its composition has permanently changed. my belly button is now more squinty and the skin under it is a weird new valley of tension. clearly, it is a small price to pay for healthy nancy but since i'm a shallow, selfish sort of person (bummer, i know) i really miss the way it used to be. i feel like even if it did have surgeries through it before it still appeared the same. and i'd had that belly button for 25 years and always kind of liked it. outies be damned, i'm an innie all the way. farewell old belly button, you were well loved. hello new belly button!

expressive silence

this post is in honor of my 3 hour drive today without a cd player:






who can i call?





this sucks.






i'm sleepy.

because i'm a loser and forgot

my tummy is ok. and i am so so thankful. amen.

firestarter

let the world know: nancy is growing up. sure it may be long over due, sure it may be about time, and sure i've been 25 for months on end but these things cannot be rushed. today, my maturity was illustrated to me through a series of events that transpired shortly before dinner. refusing to eat what the rest of the family was eating, i prepared my own meal of chicken fingers. feeling a bit groggy due to my pain medication, i mistakenly grabbed a oven mitt that had another, less protective oven mitt attached to it. just to be clear, it was two oven mitts tenuously attached. as i put the chicken fingers back in the oven one of the mitts fell and caught on fire. i immediately screamed, "MOM, FIRE! FIRE!" now, college nancy would have watched the fire and continued to scream, waiting for something magically to happen to take care of things. like when the toilet flooded and my roommate and i climbed onto the sink, watching it flood, saying "FLOOD! FLOOD!" to the empty apartment. but today, today was different. today, after screaming, i reached into the oven, grabbed the burning mitt, put it in the sink and ran water over it. all before my mom even got there. i was like a real adult dealing maturely with a crisis. i may have started that fire, but dammit i put it out too in a calm and orderly fashion. progress indeed.

my fickle heart

having just proclaimed my renewed love for roxie, i have some rather disturbing news. most days i can accept the fact she has a brain the size of a pea and try to make certain allowances. when she licks my face i think its sweet, and when she gives me a gentle nibble i understand her tiny mind can't differentiate between a piece of alfalfa and a human being. tonight she was being especially needy, making squeaking, pick-me-up noises whenever someone walked into the room. my frigid heart softened to the temperature of refrigerated cookie dough and i picked her up each time. those noises really get to me, perhaps because i am routinely so noisy that i gravitate towards others of similar diaphragm (or is it diaphragmatic?) strength. she discovered a new trick tonight, perching on my shoulder like a bird while i worked on the computer. it was 75% cute and 25% weird. i let it go. the next thing i know roxie has chomped down on the top of my ear like it was her next carrot. now, oddly enough, i can handle my 11 year old dog biting me harder and more often but what i cannot handle is a little rodent, masquerading as a friendly snuggle creature, biting my ear like it was her birthright. chopin at least knows she's been bad. roxie, however, does not even have the decency to understand she has caused me pain, much less act accordingly and win me back.
thus, i have decided she is evil.

rocking out: it's what we do

focus is what it takes to get to the top. focus is what it takes to be the best in your field. and, gosh darn it, focus is what it takes to be the next guitar hero. the bells don't just play around. they take an ordinary game and transform it into a career. all of our characters have extra outfits. new guitars are bought religiously. songs are practiced in practice mode before debuting. we're focused. and now we're stunning. george and nancy's band, STARDUST, may imply sweet dreams and sparkling fairies but we're actually the hottest new group in town and we mean business. i misunderstood this undertaking initially. here i am on the first night, delighted to have this new game, singing along. but do you see george's face - he knew what it would take from the get-go. in the virtual world, dad and i are wildly successful and our musical talent both amazes and baffles the mind (and ears). and you know what? it feels pretty good. let's rock.

back in business

i wasn't in a good place.
now i am.
so i'm writing again.






in an exciting, yet yearly, turn of events, i think spring is on its way. seasons are so fantastic. in other news, since my last post these key circumstances have transpired:

• george and i fell out of love with roxie and are again back in love with said guinea pig. phew.
• grandma (who is here with us!!) and chopin became best friends forever. then chopin bit gma and they broke up.
• i've started referring to everyone as a "magical wildebeest"
• my bed has been moved and my feet are now near the door. i have pledged to never sleep in a bed where my head is closer to the door than my feet. i consider this my personal feng shui.
• though our love affair is always short and very sweet, this year march madness and i have terminated our relationship prematurely due to the fact none of my teams are any good.
  

no really, don't get up

this is how chopin and i spend the majority of our days. or the last two days at least. while i do not require that my spine become bendy and pretzel-like, i do love sleeping just as much as she does. today, i felt guilty that we were so lethargic and decided to go on an invigorating walk around the block. chopin pooped in someone's yard while i cringed and looked around to make sure no one saw, as i did not bring a baggie. by the last uphill climb to return to the house chopin and i were not happy. i looked at her and she looked at me. she mentally said "carry me?" and i vocally said "we can do this!" while mentally saying "we are lazy and are being punished by the fitness spirits who we have neglected." i trudged up the hill while chopin let the leash stretch out the the maximum 14 feet before slowly following me. if i stopped so she could catch up, she sat down - keeping just enough tension in the leash. that is when i understood: i am now the sled dog pulling my cargo up the mountain. great.

this is the face of dad on drugs

contrary to popular belief, i am madly in love with drugged up george. it is wildly better than the alternative and, though things may be more difficult, he is a lot sillier and happier (most of the time). today things got hilarious when i woke dad up during his afternoon nap. he had physical therapy in 30 minutes, which i felt was ample time to eat lunch and go to the bathroom. dad, however, felt this was not the case and couldn't stop muttering about he hates to be rushed. he swore he couldn't even fully chew his lunch he was so rushed and kept counting down (incorrectly mind you) the minutes until the lady would be here. when he had 2o minutes left, he shouted 12 MINUTES, panicking she was almost here. i couldn't stop laughing at his ridiculousness precisely because it is so typical of my dad before all this, just more pronounced because of the drugs. plus, he was sitting up the whole time he was yelling because his pain was no longer as intense, which is of course a miracle. see those 3 patches on the strong arm of the law? super duper magic. and in the words of tenacious d: tribute.

protocol must be obeyed

i have a lot of systems for living life. i don't pay attention to things enough to remember them later. 'did i already brush my teeth?' and 'did i take my medicine?' are my two main concerns. maybe other people have these problems, i'm not sure. maybe i just have enough time (and the luxury) to be incredibly forgetful and lazy - really brushing my teeth and taking my medicine are the two things i MUST do every day, everything else i am fine going without. however, due to my inability to remember, i've tried to compensate. i've got systems. when i wake up in the morning, if i take my medicine i turn on the fish light. additionally, if i brush my teeth the toothbrush goes from the right side of the sink to the left. without these clues in my day, things get dicey in the morning. usually i brush my teeth twice and don't take my medicine if i am unsure; it seems like the best backup policy. these systems have been explained to mom, who now understands the ramifications of well meaning interference with said objects. from now on you can expect my morning routine to be flawless. lies. but definitely better than life without aforementioned systems in place!

all the small things

i'll be the first to admit that i am not the best at loving people. i try to be good, but love is hard work. especially, i would imagine, being in love and sharing your life with someone day in and day out. so in hopes of figuring a little bit out i watch my parents. and i think i've figured out what love is. love is, after taking care of someone for 15 years, continuing to take care of them like it is the first day all over again, with enough patience and grace that they know it will never run out. this was especially illustrated to me the other day. i take care of dad all day long. i am rarely sweet about it. when he wakes me up at night and needs water, i go into the sink in his room and get it from the faucet. when he needs his blankets pulled up, i give him the evil eye and tell him he can do it himself. when he wants the phone during the day, i audibly sigh, grab the phone, and throw it onto his bed. i am zero great. my mom is another story. she wakes up after a few hours of sleep, makes dad breakfast and gets him into the shower and dressed. she goes to work all day. she comes home and takes over while i go out. once he goes to bed she tries to catch up on cleaning the house and work. then she sleeps a few hours and it starts again. but when my dad asks for water, she puts ice cubes in it every time. and to me, that's love. amen.

ice ice baby

dear winter,
where have you been? i miss you a lot. covering the bushes with ice hardly counts, especially since it occurs at night when it can only minimally be appreciated. please come visit. let's go sledding. let's make igloos in the front yard that get so warm inside (magic). we would have a lot of fun, i promise. forget about the heating bill, i will calm barb down AND put an extra layer on george. enough shenanigans, it's time to get serious.

love and kisses,
nancy

my backyard is a forest

..................today
............i saw three
.......deer through
..........my window
...................and
..................this is my attempt to make a poem
..................that looks like a deer to convey how
..................pretty the three deer were in the back
...................yard of the neighbor they stayed all
...........................day......................... and
...........................sat ...........................in
..........................the ......................... sun
.........................and ........................ were
...........................ha- .........................ppy

covert ops

george and i not only spend the day together, but we also communicate regularly throughout the night. while a mere wall separates us, we have found that him screaming my name to wake me up is highly inefficient. not only is it incredibly stressful to wake up to, there is also the problem of me waking up. unlike my ever attentive mother, i was not born with bionic ears nor am i interested in what the rest of the world is doing while i remain asleep. without the harsh digital beep favored by every alarm now known to man, i remain blissfully unaware of george's needs. thankfully, dad now uses his portable phone to page the portable phone next to my bed. before this genius move however, the bells employed walkie talkies. for some reason walkie talkies never really entered the scope of my childhood so i had never played with one before. dad and i went crazy on those things since we felt it lent the air of international espionage to our day to day activities. the crackle as you push the button, the ability to talk in different rooms while pushing a button which also keeps the other person quiet, the special vocabulary utilized on a top secret mission - incredible! we developed code names and detailed every movement of my mom. "breaker one, this is agent n. barb is unloading the heating pad from the microwave"..."breaker two, your mother has now entered my room and is handing me the heating pad. she's a beautiful woman your mother"..."roger that, demetri. mom is back in the kitchen pouring a cup of milk"...."breaker two, tell your mother i love her. i also need some medicine". unfortunately, the walkie talkies ate through batteries at supersonic speeds and the era of demetri ivanoff and agent n faded away. it is both a blessing and a curse. over and out.

better than crack cocaine

i am madly in love with the guinea pig. george may <3 roxie, don't get me wrong. yesterday he fell and was in terrible pain but when mom put that guinea pig on him, he felt 100 times better. he even said, "oooh, the guinea pig does make me feel less pain!" however, i maintain that my love of roxie is deeper, truer, and way more ridiculous. every time i walk past that cage, i talk to the guinea pig. i pick it up and live for the purr that so rarely happens which means it's really, REALLY happy. even though it pooped on me 3 times today and peed on me once, when i came home tonight i still held her and kissed her. george never kisses her. he doesn't remember the specific cooing noises. she pees on him; only once he forgets does he welcome her back. i am the one who remains entirely conscious of her history and continues, in spite of these occurrences, to remain dedicate to the pig named roxie. never in my life did i expect such a love to occur. but now that it has, i can't get enough of it. there is something so fantastic about a rodent-like creature nestling against your neck, making loud squeaking noises, that transforms a normal day into something roxie-riffic. LONG LIVE THE PIG!

born to be wild

today chopin was truly majestic. and as one who daily encounters her nasty face, terrible breath, and soul-killing barking, it takes a lot for me to say that. but, even in this picture, she glows. she exudes confidence. when it snows, the land is hers! since there is really nothing i love more than a snow storm at night, we went on an an expedition last night. i think we walked for at least 1.5 hours and chopin pranced like a puppy the whole time. hip dysplasia be damned, she's a sled dog gosh darn it! today, she eluded capture for the majority of the morning - refusing to come in for breakfast and keeping things on lock down in the yard. i finally laid on the deck, faking death spasms and she trotted over. at that time, i snapped this photo: her eyes on the horizon, ready to transport my body across the alaskan tundra if only i was strapped to a dog sled. chopin has got my back. mush! mush!

yay snow

afternoon & night.

oh george

despite peeing on him every single time, dad continues to place the guinea pig between his knees then cover her with two blankets. warning dad makes no difference; he believes she loves it and does not really believe she has peed on him. and IF she has, it was clearly because she couldn't hold it anymore - not because she was scared. today was day 3 but my first day with this particular situation. it went a little something like this: after roxie pees, i proceed to go into dad's room and retrieve a new pair of underwear, pants, a wet washcloth, and dry towel so he can take care of the situation. we develop a plan in which he will be fully covered but i will help him. after he has removed his soiled clothing, he covers himself with a towel and hollers for me to come help. he has put the wet washcloth on the new clothes, soaking them. i go back into his bedroom while he yells at me that he will be just fine in wet clothes, thank you very much. i come out with the new clothes and put them around his ankles then leave. at this point chopin has joined the parade and has sat on the bottom of dad's pants, not allowing him to pull them up fully and causing him to lose his balance and fall back on the bed. his sudden movement frightens the dog who starts barking frantically. dad is saying ouch ouch ouch ouch over and over again. i continue to hide in the other room, far away from the family jewels which are presumably still exposed. oh george.

reiki 4ever

i came home today and an energy healer was here. i promised in my head that i would never talk about friends/other people in the blog but i'm breaking the rule. moving on. the energy healer is also a good friend and our family has known him and his family forever. he is a reiki master and knows about all sorts of other eastern energy healing techniques as well. my family is totally into all of this stuff and when he works on any of us we are so so thankful and appreciative. plus he is our friend so you'd think that would make it even better. but we're kind of in awe of him and don't really know how we should behave around him. he's clearly human, but i also think he just operates on this whole other level of consciousness and such. so, in the bell heads, he's kind of half human, half medicine man, half amazing. he's like 1.5 people, get it? after the energy healer had been at our house for 3 hours working miracles, we were in even more awe and had also started to feel guilty we were hogging him. mom, who is unfailingly considerate and polite, said, "thank you so much etc. but we really couldn't possibly take up anymore of your time" since in our heads we imagine his life to be filled with important other worldly matters and not the nonsense of mere mortals. which is why it was the best ever when he responded: no worries, i'm avoiding a super bowl party i promised my wife i'd go to.

perfect.

magic magic magic

today i was helping insulate windows. and really, how is fiberglass made of glass? it boggles the mind. which leads to the question, how is cotton candy made of sugar? there are just so many things that defy the limits of my small brain. things that you would never even think of yourself or that you are really impressed by. i never could have imagined trees on my own. definitely, never in a million years. i used to say "thank you Jesus" but then george started loving it and saying it completely in earnest and i felt a little bad meaning it but still trying to make it funny. so i've switched to calling the same sorts of things magic. i feel it's more socially acceptable. and i've been meaning to make a list of things that are magic. so let's do it.
1. windshield wipers
2. plants that come up EACH YEAR
3. when i needed a lighter and there were 5 in one pocket of a coat
4. the retractable leash
5. basically everything in the ocean
6. chlorophyll
7. glue sticks
8. every single bit of the human body
i could go on forever but i don't want to trivialize the magic-ness of the magic. i guess glue sticks could get taken off the list. and maybe the retractable leash. everything else is a must.

clue!

tonight, the family played our new dvd clue board game. it rules. this was our second time playing so we finally got it figured out since it is a little more complex then the old one. dad and i are all about guessing the perpetrator immediately, along with the time and location. mom on the other hand likes to play it safe and she routinely summons the butler for guaranteed clues. george, being my father, has the exact same ridiculous streak in him that i do, and he began to get jealous of the animated butler. he didn't understand why mom always wanted to go to the butler. finally, the computer butler began to "go on break" and wouldn't give out any more clues but my mom kept trying to talk to the butler in hopes he would come back from break. my parents are very solid when it comes to computer logistics. eventually, dad guessed: barb and the butler, having an affair, in the study. classic on so many levels. and a little bit sweet too.

if loving you is wrong, i don't want to be right

i have been in a pretty serious, committed, almost monogamous relationship for awhile now. i would have to say the two of us have been pretty happy together and i'm hoping that we remain close, still seeing each other frequently. what, you may ask, has come between me and my love? grapefruit juice. mom started buying it because it used to be my favorite and all those good intentions of staying exclusive with water have flown out the window. turns out i'm not a one-drink type of girl. it started out innocently enough; the package even stayed in the fridge unopened for over a week. but it beckoned to me. called me. alright, i'll say it: seduced me. and now that i've started, i can't stop. don't get me wrong, i'm still seeing water. we're tight, but it's just not the same. i don't pine for it like i do with delicious, refreshing grapefruit juice. until ruby red runs low, i'm in it to win it.

and yes. the bells do buy relish by the QUART.

an ode to my goldfish (abridged)

thou of orange and yellow color,
the smaller of the two,
never did ye find it duller
to swim in waters that were not blue.

thou livest in the house of nancy
through dark times and moments that were bright.
the bowl you graced, it was not fancy
but now you've gone into the light.

the death of such a fish is tragic,
your companion swims in a daze.
soon a new fish will appear (by magic?)
the other fish it will amaze!

THIS IS THE FACE OF A VERY BAD DOG

my name is chopin and i am evil. don't mess with me, mother f*ckers. this morning i got into several items i was not supposed to since i am bad to the bone. then, i let nancy think i was over it and wanted her to pet me. but when that bitch bent down and patted my head, i bit her hand like my life depended on it and gave her a look that could kill. i went ape sh*t on her. i wanted her to know i meant business. don't f*ck with chopin josephine. after about 5 minutes of me being my baddest self, i chilled out and sulked downstairs. but when she started to cook lunch, i came back up to remind her that this dog wanted human food. bitch don't know nothing about sharing. when she took out a measuring cup, i tried to bite her again. i missed, but i was tired from my morning rampage. now i'm outside, letting the whole neighborhood know this is one dog not to mess with. my bark sounds vicious, but look out for my bite, bitches. i write in red for RAGE.
keep it real-
chopin

snuggle up

today my mom rearranged the living room to make things more comfortable for my dad because she is an angel of sweetness and light. due to the nature of my moderately black heart, i felt things were fine as they were. now, however, george is front and center in front of the tv. his bed is perfectly positioned and is also incredibly comfortable. thus, i've been trying to take it over like a tyrant in a small country. when dad is in the bedroom, i run to chill on the bed. but when dad is in the bed, it is a different story. he has the ability to position himself exactly in the middle, with minimal room on either side. after having had just a taste of the goodness of the new bed position, i decided enough was enough and decided to nudge my way next to george. i started small, only relatively smushing him. lucky for me, i caught george during a nice moment. he only complained minimally before moving over on the bed, which is so lovely considering any movement at all is painful for him. and we spent the rest of the afternoon chilling on the bed together. yay!

joined at birth? i think not

i've started referring to george as my cojoined twin. thankfully, and impossibly, my father and i have not been joined since either of our births (although when i was little my dad did always used to say i was an apple in his eye even before i was born). instead this arrangement has come about more recently and it's really quite cute. george, chopin, and i all spend the majority of the day together in addition to the entire night. roxie has been thrown into the mix this week due to a tragic fall that will not be discussed in detail. nevertheless, she has been recovering at the house with the three of us. we're cute because this is what, i think, family is all about. arguing (mostly in the good way) and being together all day while doing joint activities. in an even better turn of events, george and i aren't even remotely cojoined physically but more in the mental, spiritual, and practical realms. maybe it's like george is the brain and i'm the brawn. sweet. it goes like this:
dad - turn the fan down one pull.
me, pulling the fan's cord - just one?
dad - maybe more, let me see how it goes.
i sit down and pull the blanket over my lap
dad - the fan is fine, can you refill my water with ice cubes to make it colder?
me, getting up and refilling his water and adding ice cubes - anything else?
dad - yes, i need my heating pad out here. can you heat it for 2 minutes and 22 seconds?
and so the day progresses. maybe since i'm the brawn my muscels will start getting big and brawny too. either way, tomorrow we go on an adventure to uva and won't be back for a bit.

the subject grows tiresome

i wasn't going to talk about either animal today since it is getting old. however, since i have turned a little obsessive about figuring out what the guinea pig means when it makes noise, i discovered this site: http://www.diddly-di.fsnet.co.uk/Communication.htm
i really can't explain how hilarious is it, between its genuine earnestness and commitment to understanding the 'pigs'.

moving on. when i was in kindergarten my teacher (mr. alison) gave each of us a baby pine tree. i remember it; it was so small. since my parents are awesome they planted it in the front yard and even moved it once it started getting big so it could continue to grow. and the best part is it's still there in the front yard. our mailman leaves weekly notes since it obstructs the mailbox. it's really nice to walk outside and see something that's grown for over 20 years that you can call your tree. i've got a beautiful life.

george loves roxie

my mother's class has the world's ugliest guinea pig. not only do i find guinea pigs marginally cute to begin with, but this one has a bald spot in the middle of her forehead with guinea pig hair going in every direction around it. vomit. compounding the hideousness is the guinea pig's name - which i will tell you now was voted on by all 4 of my mom's classes: ROXIE. it just seems so...wrong, yet perfectly right. mom occasionally brings the guinea pig home on the weekends or holidays so i've gotten past its complete lack of outer beauty and started to love it. and today, in another undoubtedly inspired moment, i brought two beings i love together in a moment of fantastic-ness. george and roxie! i could totally turn that into a chant. i am happy to report they got along famously. roxie sits on my dad's chest and stomach while he lays in the bed petting her and talking to her in a cute voice. she actually makes these weird noises back which make me somewhat anxious because i'm not sure if it is a happy or mad sound. and chopin tries to lick/eat her while trying to imitate the weird noises. notice the complete concentration present on the dog's face. so really its george & chopin <3 roxie and i totally dig it.

also, this is what my grass looked like this morning:pretty!

you know your dog owns you when...

today chopin josephine and i reached a new stage in our relationship. for the past 13 years we have loved, laughed, and languished (in the good way) together by abiding by a few simple rules:
1. i will not brush the dog's hair
2. she will not bite me hard enough to break the skin IF i am doing something to help her (like untangling her leash which she has wrapped 93874953 times around her leg) but she will still bite
3. she will ring the bells on the door if she really has to go out
4. if i yell louder than she can bark, i win and she stops
but the most important rule is this:
5. I WILL NOT TOUCH HER BUTT WITHOUT SEVERE CONSEQUENCES
and by butt i mean hind legs, tail, etc.

those of you who know me, and are trying to be kind, know that i am a person with limited patience. so when chopin sits at the bottom of the stairs, barking repeatedly for hours on end because she does not want to walk up them, it drives me insane. and even if i yell louder, she will not cease - breaking rule 4 which does not apply if we are not on the same floor. after 2 hours this morning of her continued nonsense, i stomped down the stairs so she would know i was really mad and asked her what, exactly, she wanted. for whatever the reason, today my cold, cold heart thawed a little and i was touched with sympathy. her legs are hurting and she didn't want to go up the stairs. so as she stood and positioned herself to block me from going back up the stairs after i had walked around in the basement, i was suddenly inspired. i carefully (and fearfully) leaned down and placed my arms around the dog - specifically touching the aforementioned "problem" area. i was not bitten, nor did she growl or give me a nasty face. instead, she contentedly attempted to lick my arm as i carried 50 pounds of dog up the stairs because she didn't feel like walking up them or remaining downstairs. 'seriously?' you may ask. seriously. the dog is in complete control.