clue!

tonight, the family played our new dvd clue board game. it rules. this was our second time playing so we finally got it figured out since it is a little more complex then the old one. dad and i are all about guessing the perpetrator immediately, along with the time and location. mom on the other hand likes to play it safe and she routinely summons the butler for guaranteed clues. george, being my father, has the exact same ridiculous streak in him that i do, and he began to get jealous of the animated butler. he didn't understand why mom always wanted to go to the butler. finally, the computer butler began to "go on break" and wouldn't give out any more clues but my mom kept trying to talk to the butler in hopes he would come back from break. my parents are very solid when it comes to computer logistics. eventually, dad guessed: barb and the butler, having an affair, in the study. classic on so many levels. and a little bit sweet too.

if loving you is wrong, i don't want to be right

i have been in a pretty serious, committed, almost monogamous relationship for awhile now. i would have to say the two of us have been pretty happy together and i'm hoping that we remain close, still seeing each other frequently. what, you may ask, has come between me and my love? grapefruit juice. mom started buying it because it used to be my favorite and all those good intentions of staying exclusive with water have flown out the window. turns out i'm not a one-drink type of girl. it started out innocently enough; the package even stayed in the fridge unopened for over a week. but it beckoned to me. called me. alright, i'll say it: seduced me. and now that i've started, i can't stop. don't get me wrong, i'm still seeing water. we're tight, but it's just not the same. i don't pine for it like i do with delicious, refreshing grapefruit juice. until ruby red runs low, i'm in it to win it.

and yes. the bells do buy relish by the QUART.

an ode to my goldfish (abridged)

thou of orange and yellow color,
the smaller of the two,
never did ye find it duller
to swim in waters that were not blue.

thou livest in the house of nancy
through dark times and moments that were bright.
the bowl you graced, it was not fancy
but now you've gone into the light.

the death of such a fish is tragic,
your companion swims in a daze.
soon a new fish will appear (by magic?)
the other fish it will amaze!

THIS IS THE FACE OF A VERY BAD DOG

my name is chopin and i am evil. don't mess with me, mother f*ckers. this morning i got into several items i was not supposed to since i am bad to the bone. then, i let nancy think i was over it and wanted her to pet me. but when that bitch bent down and patted my head, i bit her hand like my life depended on it and gave her a look that could kill. i went ape sh*t on her. i wanted her to know i meant business. don't f*ck with chopin josephine. after about 5 minutes of me being my baddest self, i chilled out and sulked downstairs. but when she started to cook lunch, i came back up to remind her that this dog wanted human food. bitch don't know nothing about sharing. when she took out a measuring cup, i tried to bite her again. i missed, but i was tired from my morning rampage. now i'm outside, letting the whole neighborhood know this is one dog not to mess with. my bark sounds vicious, but look out for my bite, bitches. i write in red for RAGE.
keep it real-
chopin

snuggle up

today my mom rearranged the living room to make things more comfortable for my dad because she is an angel of sweetness and light. due to the nature of my moderately black heart, i felt things were fine as they were. now, however, george is front and center in front of the tv. his bed is perfectly positioned and is also incredibly comfortable. thus, i've been trying to take it over like a tyrant in a small country. when dad is in the bedroom, i run to chill on the bed. but when dad is in the bed, it is a different story. he has the ability to position himself exactly in the middle, with minimal room on either side. after having had just a taste of the goodness of the new bed position, i decided enough was enough and decided to nudge my way next to george. i started small, only relatively smushing him. lucky for me, i caught george during a nice moment. he only complained minimally before moving over on the bed, which is so lovely considering any movement at all is painful for him. and we spent the rest of the afternoon chilling on the bed together. yay!

joined at birth? i think not

i've started referring to george as my cojoined twin. thankfully, and impossibly, my father and i have not been joined since either of our births (although when i was little my dad did always used to say i was an apple in his eye even before i was born). instead this arrangement has come about more recently and it's really quite cute. george, chopin, and i all spend the majority of the day together in addition to the entire night. roxie has been thrown into the mix this week due to a tragic fall that will not be discussed in detail. nevertheless, she has been recovering at the house with the three of us. we're cute because this is what, i think, family is all about. arguing (mostly in the good way) and being together all day while doing joint activities. in an even better turn of events, george and i aren't even remotely cojoined physically but more in the mental, spiritual, and practical realms. maybe it's like george is the brain and i'm the brawn. sweet. it goes like this:
dad - turn the fan down one pull.
me, pulling the fan's cord - just one?
dad - maybe more, let me see how it goes.
i sit down and pull the blanket over my lap
dad - the fan is fine, can you refill my water with ice cubes to make it colder?
me, getting up and refilling his water and adding ice cubes - anything else?
dad - yes, i need my heating pad out here. can you heat it for 2 minutes and 22 seconds?
and so the day progresses. maybe since i'm the brawn my muscels will start getting big and brawny too. either way, tomorrow we go on an adventure to uva and won't be back for a bit.

the subject grows tiresome

i wasn't going to talk about either animal today since it is getting old. however, since i have turned a little obsessive about figuring out what the guinea pig means when it makes noise, i discovered this site: http://www.diddly-di.fsnet.co.uk/Communication.htm
i really can't explain how hilarious is it, between its genuine earnestness and commitment to understanding the 'pigs'.

moving on. when i was in kindergarten my teacher (mr. alison) gave each of us a baby pine tree. i remember it; it was so small. since my parents are awesome they planted it in the front yard and even moved it once it started getting big so it could continue to grow. and the best part is it's still there in the front yard. our mailman leaves weekly notes since it obstructs the mailbox. it's really nice to walk outside and see something that's grown for over 20 years that you can call your tree. i've got a beautiful life.

george loves roxie

my mother's class has the world's ugliest guinea pig. not only do i find guinea pigs marginally cute to begin with, but this one has a bald spot in the middle of her forehead with guinea pig hair going in every direction around it. vomit. compounding the hideousness is the guinea pig's name - which i will tell you now was voted on by all 4 of my mom's classes: ROXIE. it just seems so...wrong, yet perfectly right. mom occasionally brings the guinea pig home on the weekends or holidays so i've gotten past its complete lack of outer beauty and started to love it. and today, in another undoubtedly inspired moment, i brought two beings i love together in a moment of fantastic-ness. george and roxie! i could totally turn that into a chant. i am happy to report they got along famously. roxie sits on my dad's chest and stomach while he lays in the bed petting her and talking to her in a cute voice. she actually makes these weird noises back which make me somewhat anxious because i'm not sure if it is a happy or mad sound. and chopin tries to lick/eat her while trying to imitate the weird noises. notice the complete concentration present on the dog's face. so really its george & chopin <3 roxie and i totally dig it.

also, this is what my grass looked like this morning:pretty!

you know your dog owns you when...

today chopin josephine and i reached a new stage in our relationship. for the past 13 years we have loved, laughed, and languished (in the good way) together by abiding by a few simple rules:
1. i will not brush the dog's hair
2. she will not bite me hard enough to break the skin IF i am doing something to help her (like untangling her leash which she has wrapped 93874953 times around her leg) but she will still bite
3. she will ring the bells on the door if she really has to go out
4. if i yell louder than she can bark, i win and she stops
but the most important rule is this:
5. I WILL NOT TOUCH HER BUTT WITHOUT SEVERE CONSEQUENCES
and by butt i mean hind legs, tail, etc.

those of you who know me, and are trying to be kind, know that i am a person with limited patience. so when chopin sits at the bottom of the stairs, barking repeatedly for hours on end because she does not want to walk up them, it drives me insane. and even if i yell louder, she will not cease - breaking rule 4 which does not apply if we are not on the same floor. after 2 hours this morning of her continued nonsense, i stomped down the stairs so she would know i was really mad and asked her what, exactly, she wanted. for whatever the reason, today my cold, cold heart thawed a little and i was touched with sympathy. her legs are hurting and she didn't want to go up the stairs. so as she stood and positioned herself to block me from going back up the stairs after i had walked around in the basement, i was suddenly inspired. i carefully (and fearfully) leaned down and placed my arms around the dog - specifically touching the aforementioned "problem" area. i was not bitten, nor did she growl or give me a nasty face. instead, she contentedly attempted to lick my arm as i carried 50 pounds of dog up the stairs because she didn't feel like walking up them or remaining downstairs. 'seriously?' you may ask. seriously. the dog is in complete control.